To my future husband, I’m waiting

Dear Future Husband, 

I’m sitting in a train, surrounded by 100+ people, pushed up against a window, somewhere in the middle of China, and all the while, amongst all the chaos and obnoxious patterns of breathing and shouting, here I am; thinking about you.

I am lost in the privacy of my own cluttered mind, utterly captivated by day dreaming about what marriage will feel like, what marriage to you will be like: what it will be like to have a person that always makes sure the doors are locked at night, someone who always restocks the fridge with La Croix when it’s running low. Someone to always walk on the street side of the side walk, to cover my cold shoulders with their flannel on a night out, and a kiss on the forward in the middle of my rants about how disappointed I still am over Michael Gary Scott leaving the office. A man that will accept and eventually laugh at my use of constant mispronunciations of simple words and understand my obsession with a little water with my ice. 

Someone who shares in my over excitement about the simple things, the one who turns on Banana Pancakes instinctually when I start making breakfast, and the person who reminds me of all the things to be thankful for on a hard day. 

A marriage where we don’t complete each other, but compliment each other well. Where fights always end before the sun goes down and I love you’s don’t ever become part of a routine. 

An intentional kind of love, where we never get too comfortable with the idea of contentment, instead pursue each other like we have the world to lose. A love that is filled with headlight slow dances and being best friends before lovers. 

A relationship filled with love notes stuck to coffee mugs or hidden inside suit pockets with my quirky jokes that only we find comical. Where country music floods out of the speakers while flurries from our fire lit night drift up to the stars and where vacations are to a log cabin in Wisconsin. 

A marriage where we put each other second, with God always being our firsts. A Christ-centered relationship that stands against the hard trials and hard seasons of life. Where Sundays are our favorite days that always end in pizza nights. 

But before all the fairy-tale ending scenarios cover my lens of total reality,  I must express how completely and utterly sorry I am to you. I’m sorry that I ignored God for so long in my season of being single, and not living in contentment in my singleness, rather running from it for far too long. I’m sorry for the waiting room of men that I gave my heart to because I was too scared to be alone. I’m sorry for the pieces of myself that I gave to men who didn’t deserve me, when I should’ve been saving those for you. I’m sorry for all of the “I love you’s” I knew I didn’t mean. 

I’m sorry that I didn’t listen to God when He told me to wait for you. I’m sorry I ran to distractions and arms of people who weren’t you, all the while knowing they weren’t ever going to be you but still choosing them anyway. I’m sorry that for so long I found my worth in being adored and pursued by men that were not of God and justifying it by filling the empty spaces that lined my broken heart. But most importantly, I’m sorry for intentionally looking for you in all of the wrong places. 

My future love, my sweets; as divinely and delicately I adore day dreaming about you; I have a lot of growing to do before I can give you pieces of me for our forever.  I have a lot to learn, questions to ask and parts of me to return that I have lent out far too many times. To walk in my singleness with genuine admiration for myself and to put myself first. To know what it truly looks like to depend on Papa to fill every part of my heart, before I can give it to you. To walk in such a way that I know I can love well, because I love myself well first. To poor myself into my relationship with God, my relationship with my girlfriends and to experience singleness without equating it to loneliness. Because my love, if I don’t..I will rely on you to fix me. I’ll rely on you to fill the parts only God can, I’ll expect you to solve my insecurities, and that is not only unfair to you, but to me as well. 

I want to be ready, ready to fall head over heels in love with you, knowing I am the best version of myself for you, because after all of this, I know God will give me someone who deserves that from me. So, for the remainder of this 18 hour train ride filled with no AC, i’ll allow myself a little more time to day dream. A little more time to wonder what our favorite Wednesday night show will be and what we’ll name our first pup. But once this train comes to a stop, I’ll surrender all of these thoughts to Papa, and leave them here in this letter to you. Tuck them away and keep them safe and sound until the day I can read it to you. Once this train stops, you will become a someday, not today and I will pray for you during the moments you dance across my thoughts, but still knowing this season I choose me first and my singleness.  

So, here’s to our one day, I know it’ll be worth waiting well for, how rad.

Love,

Your Future Wife