I’m learning it’s okay. It’s okay to be a little broken, to be a little sad, to be a little too of something. I’m learning I’m still beautiful after weeping for hours, I’m still able after a stumble, and I’m still deserving after a mistake. Some big proclamations, I’m aware. But when the most perfect figure of light and greatness morph into a beacon of the brightest of hopes calls you beloved, you learn quickly how wildly infectious that kind of love can become, and soon you start to form that kind of love for yourself.
It’s a full circle moment for me; I couldn’t sleep, so I pulled out my phone from under my pillow to once again familiarize myself with the faint orange light filling my space as I type across my note pad, only this time I’m not on a church floor in Mongolia, my pad floor bed in my Kazakhstan apartment or in an army barrack at a refugee camp in Uganda, no. This time I’m in my comfy bed surrounded by pillows with a bottle of cold ice water on my night stand, welcomed by electricity and a fan, but still I feel the same: welcomed by Jesus.
Like I said, I’m learning it’s okay to not have it all figured out. I’m learning it’s okay to be angry, to be uncertain, all of it. I’m in America, I have no job, I haven’t seen all of the people I love, my heart is still recovering from pain, which reminds me of how single I am, recovery is still slow and hard and yet I’m still called perfect by Him: wild.
I’m in a season of waiting; waiting to hear back from an interview, waiting to fall in love, waiting for society to become normal, and still waiting for someone to wake me up from this hazy dream so I can be woken up back in Europe, where I thought I was supposed to be right now.
God and I have been going back and forth a lot lately. I’ll say something rash and full of emotion and He simply replies with more questions, causing me to dig much deeper than what’s comfortable. Ah, comfortable..a concept. I said to a friend the other day, “I’d rather be comfortable and in pain, than to be uncomfortable with certainty.” Why you may ask? It’s okay, God asked too. I’m really use to being hurt, I’m really use to being left, I’m use to pain. It’s comfortable running from something that’s familiar, the scary part is confronting something that’s in unknown territory. You see, I’m more familiar with pain than love.
God calls us to be brave, that’s why I know it’s all okay, the feeling sad, being a tad broken or even being uncertain. God calls us to be brave anyways. He’ll walk us through it with rad lessons along the way, that’s why I know in this season It’s all going to be okay, it already is because He’s got me.
I think the point of this, my thoughts, all of it is sometimes when life gets really quiet and I mean deafening you’re alone in a forest and no one can hear you yell quiet, and you slow down long enough to see the sun reflect off the dust particles that float in the empty air of our bed rooms, when we take longer than two seconds to put a cohesive thought together..Jesus can call us to something bigger, so much bigger than we could have imagined, something so big we would have even missed it in the regular chaos of our lives.
What’s my bigger? The stillness is, and that is where I am right now. Sitting in the stillness, holding His hand through the hazy fog, patiently and confidently waiting for Him to open the next door and learning all He is teaching me through the uncertainty of the mist.
And for me, that’s enough.
