I can’t help it. I can’t help my mind as it races back to every single place I tried to stay clear from. I can’t help but think about who I was this time last year, this time two years ago, or this time yesterday. It all feels like it was someone else’s life. It doesn’t feel like my own, it doesn’t feel like I was the girl who lived through every memory, who cried every tear and who said goodbye to so many people. It’s crazy how life works, and I know everyone says that, but it’s crazy. I couldn’t get myself to write, for God knows how long, and I have no idea why. As I sit here and type this out, it still doesn’t feel real that my fingers are clicking away at this keyboard, nostalgically putting my thoughts to electronic paper wondering who I have become in the mixture of all of this.
I lay here and I can’t help but notice how different I am. How different life is, and how different my writing is. It’s not loud, it’s not forceful, it’s not something that it isn’t, it just is. It’s my writing, it’s my voice and it’s my story to share. Quiet, but with the force of being loud. Life is ever changing, if we want it to or if we don’t and I have never been too good with change. Honestly, I loathe it because it’s scary. It’s scary to think some people won’t be in your life anymore, it’s scary to anticipate feelings that feel so deep and feel so strong could change. Change means the end to something, and I think that is why I associate change with loss. I stopped typing for a moment, because I think I have waited years to admit that truth, and here I am typing as if my fingers already know what I am going to say; I’m scared.
In five months I will be leaving my world behind. I will be challenging every ounce of myself, I will be growing, developing, and most importantly, I will be changing; I just hope amongst all the chaos I don’t lose me. Hope, such a short word, two constantans two vowels, but so much impact on this world. I had lost hope way too many times in my life, I had lost the will to survive this world, I have begged God to show me why my life matters. I have screamed into my pillow at night begging God for answers. I lost hope in the dependency of others. I lost hope in the ability to fight pain and I had lost hope in ever really loving who I am and who God created me to be.
In five months my life will change. I will face change head on, but now I know I have the ability to embrace the change I once almost died over. God has given me my voice back. He has given me the answers I was begging for, maybe not in the way I wanted but he whispered through all my screams and pain. His whispers were as quiet as the night but as deafening as an explosion. He stopped time, He kneeled beside me when I had fallen, and He guided me back to my life.
The World Race isn’t just a great opportunity, it’s not a trip around the world. The World Race is why I am writing again, it’s why I find greatness in every day. It’s why I am terrified, it’s why I am stronger than I have ever been, and it is why God kept me here when all I wanted was to disappear into the nothingness of this world. He knew, when I was begging for him to show me purpose, when I’d cry out to him to show me truth, He knew. When I thought all hope was gone, He knew that one day I would find the World Race and know that this, this is exactly why.
I can not wait for you to be apart of His journey through me.
Xoxo
Kenz
Mackenzie, that was beautiful. I needed to read your words and hear your words just as much as you needed to write them. Thank you!!
Im glad Our lord has given you back this ability to write. You are gifted in this. I will follow you on your journey. Don’t let the lack of resources justify your lack of ambition