Alexa, Play Deja Vu

“When I only see in part. I will prophesy Your promise I believe You, God. ‘Cause You finish what You start, I will trust You in the process I believe You, God.”

I told myself that I was done involving myself and my heart in things that could end in a cut short, empty, virtual goodbye. I promised myself I was done saying goodbye to people due to unpredictable seasons or half felt WhatsApp messages ending with more questions than answers.

I protected myself by running from those who love me, from promising pursuits and the possibility of that dreaded goodbye, but here I am once again welcoming the unknown head on with a lose grip on my familiarity and a more firm grip on God as I again start my journey of grief and un answered questions. Once again I welcome pain head on and lean on the Lord for the answers I crave. 

I am too familiar with my time on the field ending early, I am greeted with the known feeling of saying goodbye to a season early and welcomed by the overwhelming possibility of once again saying see you later to the world race. 

This season was supposed to be one of redemption not the clicking of the “replay” button. But here I am, welcoming yet another season of dropped expectations and pain while thanking God with every ounce of my soul, because wow He is still SO good. 

You see I promised myself no more goodbyes, but still knowing the Lord did not. Still knowing He never said I was given easy, that I was promised more hellos than goodbyes. But still, His promise of redemption and love and goodness still comes through all the cracks of the unknown. 

I will be in Chicago until January 5, not Georgia. *Gulps in pain* A realization I still have yet to fully process. I’ve cried a lot. I’ve yelled at God, cussed out Covid and buckled under my blankets in a near failed attempt to grasp an ounce of all of this uncertainty. But what I have found to be so true? Papa still pulls back the covers to slide in right next to me with the promise that He is still here with me. 

I am reminded of the feeling of heart break, but I also am reminded of this feeling of the most purest form of intimacy with my creator and again I find myself thankful for this season. 

He knows my future and the exact coordinates my feet will stand in January. He gave His life and comfortability for others. And despite all the unknown and pain..So Will I. 

My Racers: I encourage you all to seek out the Lord in this exact moment. Ask Him all your questions. Sit in that stillness with Him. He’s got you, I promise. He’s so good because the entire time.. HE KNEW. This isn’t new to Him, He has plans for you. He is NOT forsaking you while you are at home. He wants to teach you. He loves you so much despite you being in GA or back at home. 

I love you all.