Comfortable Chaos of Life

Here I am again, writing on my note pad on my phone because I can’t sleep, realizing I haven’t written in a while, but still feeling at home with the orange hues and my words. Life has been chaotic but in a beautiful way. Moving from Illinois, to Wisconsin and now being here in Georgia all in a matter of months God reminds me my home is with Him. I need those sweet reminders, because lately I feel like my little world around me has been filled with more goodbyes than hellos. 

I find myself sticking with the same music, same simple outfits, and my comfortable nuts and fruit diet attempting to grab on to consistency that I’m familiar with. Realizing my heart still hasn’t healed from heartaches, the frustrations of cancelled plans and rain-checked coffee dates with friends all the while knowing and believing that God’s plan holds more promise than my flesh does. 

I’m back on the world race, but this time it looks different, it feels different, I’m different. I’m here with new faces, new teams and a new role. I’m excited, I’m nervous, I’m all the things; but God reminds me He is my one true constant. What a sweet and intimate place to be in with Abba. Pressing in to the feeling of under qualified but chosen, leaning into the promises of Abba while weeding my way through the lies of the enemy. All the while from my floor bed in Georgia; not Kazakhstan or Uganda but here in the United States. 

I used to think I’d feel more stable doing the race here in America, I used to think it would be more familiar, more comfortable but instead I’m faced with the same feeling: dependent. Dependent on Papa all the same. Depending on Him to fill me in every area that screams worldly desires and fleshly motives, to take all the empty and supply it with truth, joy and love. And oh my goodness, my Jesus has not forsaken me; I love Him so deeply to the point where trying to fathom His love for me leaves me breathless. 

He chose me for this life, me. How absolutely privileged I am to be His chosen despite my stumbles and falls. You guys, I’m scared and excited and sad and full of hope all at once. I’ve been once again called out of my comfortability, and for that I am so grateful despite the sadness obedience brings sometimes. 

I was reminded through lyrics the kind of disciple I want to be even if it means leaving my family once more, leaving behind pursing a career, surrendering my heart to be a momma, a writer, a wife..all of it. 

“If you gladly chose surrender so will I.”

“If you gave Your life to love them so will I.”

& So will I Papa. 

xoxo, 

catch you guys soon.