Relapse to Recovery

Worth. Such a simple word, five letters, one syllable, and only one vowel wrapped up in a bundle of desires. It can’t be broken up and it can’t be changed. Words with the same likeness of such a simple word from the trusty thesaurus is as follows; “a sense of personal worth: worthiness, merit, value, excellence, caliber, quality, stature, eminence, consequence, importance, significance, distinction.” A mouthful, right? A list of words that are supposed to make us, as human beings, reflect on ourselves and put a fragmented thought together about how we view ourselves, from the inside  looking at the inside. Typically, the best way to get perspective is from the outside looking in, but you see, that’s impossible here because it’s ourselves, looking at well, ourselves. 

So what do we do when we’re stuck? What do we do when we can’t seem to identify our own worth? Well if you are anything like me, maybe you run to the scale or a crooked mirror in a Chinese bathroom every time you swallow something. Or maybe you seek out your worth in worldly possessions, or how others view you or what they think about you. See, the funny thing is.. I’ve been told I’m good with words, but sometimes I struggled with breathing in my own words and exhaling freedom. Such a crazy concept this whole worth thing, because if we continue in the pursuit of finding our worth here on earth, I’m learning, of the disappointment that, that adventure will bring, and how much heart break one will endure. Take a pause for moment and ask where you find your worth..you might surprise yourself.

It’s month three and God has been handing me some heavy lessons lately. The big one though, you might’ve guessed it, is where and why I find my worth in the way others perceive me or even the way I perceive myself. So lets get super vulnerable for a moment ladies and gents.. I relapsed in my eating disorder right before my college graduation and since then I have lost 60 pounds. I won’t go in too much detail about the process, but I was struggling with the idea of the number on the scale never being “enough.” That I won’t be a somebody or I can’t eat until the number on the scale reflects my worth, but what I was slowly learning was I would’ve died before that number ever reflected what I wanted my worth to be, or at least what I saw as worthy or excellence or any other number of words the thesaurus was spouting out about. 

It’s really easy to get lost in the sea of reality, it’s too easy to allow a divide between you and Jesus when you even merely attempt to find your worth in anything but God. The enemy grabs foothold of anything and everything that even has a splinter in it and attaches your biggest insecurities to whatever he can get his grasp on. It’s suffocating. A friend told me, bluntly, and out of love, I find my worth in others. And it was a hard pill to swallow because I thought if I admitted that, then what am I even doing here? If I find my worth in people; how much they love me, if they think I’m beautiful, how much attention I get from a man, or even as simple as what I see in the mirrors reflection, I will live such an empty life trying to please everyone around me but myself, when the only person we are put on this earth to please is God and how many times do we fall from that? But there He is, always welcoming us back for another go at it. He knitted us perfectly together in our mother’s womb, He made us divine in His image, He crafted us together in the most perfect manor, so why don’t we find out worth in Him? Well I’ll tell you why, because it doesn’t come with verbal affirmation every two seconds, and if you’re anything like me, that was a deal breaker. 

Obvious I know, but hang with me for a second, Papa doesn’t give a hoot what we look like, what we wear, how liked we are on Facebook, or how many guys (or gals) want to date us or chase after us. All He truly cares about is our heart, all He cares about at the end of the day is how we served His Kingdom, but also how we serve ourselves. Seeking out your worth in the Lord holds so much promise, and it holds the freedom of always feeling enough. God doesn’t care how thin I am or what size jean I can finally fit into, He doesn’t care how long my hair is or about the one stubborn pimple on my forehead. And once I started applying that to my reality, I no longer feel the desire to find my worth in the mirror, I no longer will find my worth in other people’s affirmation and it is one of the most freeing feelings in this world..FREEDOM..amen? Amen. But remember how I said I’m really good at words? Finally believing what you preach is also a moment that you’ll never forget, because, yes you guessed it..FREEDOM.

God is really rad, He is constantly highlighting my struggles, on a daily basis and quieting the demons that are attached to them. The World Race is also rad, because it’s leading me to souls that teach me so much, souls that love Him so much and beloveds that are walking with me through this season. When people would look at me and ask questions, I use to say I’m deep in the middle of a relapse, but now I walk in the freedom of recovery because I finally know where my worth lies.