A hard day, from a candid heart

Written on the 17th of November.

My keyboard has felt the most home to me today, running my fingers over the pad sends familiarity throughout my entire soul and for a moment I feel as if I’m sitting at my white desk, under the yellow hue of my salt lamp in my bedroom back in Chicago, Illinois. I’ve wanted the Race since I applied, I have dreamt of being exactly where I am in this very moment for years, yet here I am, and all I want is to wander away from it all. 

Sacrifice. Christians say they would sacrifice anything for God’s glory. Add my name to the list, because I have said time and time again; Papa take it all from me. Ask and you shall receive it all. Surrendering things came second nature because I have always believed in such an intentional God, such a divine and purposeful plan would lie before me if I just listen to what He needs from me. I would give it all to Him without second guessing even for a moment, from such a willing heart, and then to finish I would ask if there was anything else He wanted. But today, wow. Today has been hard. Today has been full of tears, pain, losing myself beneath all five of my blankets in bed so no one could hear me and ask what’s wrong. Today has been me avoiding community at all cost, leaving ministry every twenty minutes to cry in an abandoned hallway, and facing heart ache head on. 

I want to be candid and honest, because social media wants to portray a fairytale life overseas but that is just not my reality. Because reality is, life still goes on outside of my bubble. People still leave, pain still comes and lives continue. Maybe my candid heart can help others because I have to believe there is a reason behind pain. Maybe, this is mine. 

Sacrifice. On hard days, like today I am faced with a choice; to believe it is worth it or not, and honestly today, I’m not sure I have the answer. I keep thinking if I was home I could be falling in love, I could be celebrating Thanksgiving with my family, I could be pursing a writing career, I could be chasing after my dreams, working at my summer camp, I could be.. my thoughts always get cut off when the reality of the cold Uzbekistan wind hits my face. I’m a seven on the enneagram, and a seven’s biggest fear is pain. It makes sense, because on any typical day I would run from my pain, push it way, way down and pretend it doesn’t exist until eventually it doesn’t anymore.

But today, I believe God challenged that behavior of my typical occurrence when I start to feel pain. So instead, I let the weight of my blankets come around me as I sat with my pain, crying into a pillow for a couple hours. Candid, I know. I allowed myself to check my WhatsApp every twenty seconds for something I know wouldn’t come, saying you know what I’m not okay when someone asked, letting myself feel the pain of missing home, the pain of losing someone, the unknown of what all of this means..I felt pain today. The pain of Holidays missed, relationships surrendered, Birthdays passing and the lack of control..just all of it. 

Sacrifice. The countless sacrifices I made to go on the Race will never rival the great sacrifice my Papa made for me, and that helps me remember the concept of perspective. That my sacrifice of career, romantic life, and social calendar will never amount to the cost He paid for me on the cross. I won’t know if the World Race will be worth all of my sacrifices, I can’t answer that until I’m sitting in Greece in late June, but I do know one thing now. Following God is worth every sacrifice, and I think that’s what God wanted to remind me today.

Maybe He wanted to remind me that feeling heart ache is okay, that being confused and hurt or even sad is okay because He is feeling all of those things with me. That when I am laying in bed crying, or running out of ministry to collect myself or even feeling like locking away every piece of my heart from anyone, He feels it with me, but more. That He is my constant and that He is worth the sacrifice of me feeling this pain. Above all else, the plan He has for me, is worth every sacrifice. 

Today was a hard day, but I have faith in Papa’s goodness that tomorrow will be better. That through this season of not knowing, He will reward my honesty, my candid heart, my authentic motives and pure love for Him. He reminds me that I’m enough and to find that in Him and Him alone, that He always means what He says, and He will never change His mind about me. And because of all of that and more, I know He is worth it. 

“I get to love you” by Ruelle just came on, some romantic song I’ve been listening to for weeks nonstop, daydreaming about my wedding one day, but this time I felt like it was God singing it to me and me to Him, and I needed to put this in here because as I’m typing, He’s showing up reminding me of His love. So rad. “I get to love you, it’s a promise I’m making to you. Whatever may come, your heart I will choose, forever I’m yours, forever I do. I get to love you.”

Sometimes I just need to write it all out to understand my own pain, ya know? I pray for better days. Thanks for bearing through the hard days with me, you guys are all super cool.

 

Xo,

Kenz.