Why Me?

I find myself staying up late typing away at my keyboard trying to make sense of my heart lately, this morning I found myself instinctively turning to my keypad and this is what my heart wanted to share. This is what my heart wanted to remember today. Mornings, after a hard day are usually the hardest, because now I’m left to sit with my heart and start to repair it. A candid checkin.

My sweet friend Julia wrote me a letter for each month, to be opened once I enter a new country. I look forward to them because I am a sentimental person and these letters were written by someone who knows me, someone who loves me and lets face it, were written in America, so of course, with all of those reasons, I treasure them, a lot. 

Each month her letter has inspired me and encouraged me and with Papa behind the pen, I know each one has spoken life into my month. However, this month it confused me. In the letter she says, “Pour into that one person unapologetically.” It’s week three of month four and I couldn’t help but think back to that letter this morning. I thought maybe she was talking about someone I met through ministry, but no one came to mind. Maybe she was talking about someone I met during the race from the states, but that didn’t make much sense anymore. I sat with the letter, asking God if I overlooked someone that I could have been pouring into. He laughed, that man. 

“You,” He said, bluntly. Me. “I never thought of myself in such a way that I was worth enough to be poured into by myself. It’s not a privilege to love someone like me, it feels more like a burden most days. People leave all the time, and if I had the choice I’d leave me too,” I replied back. “You,” He said again, but this time with almost a demanding tone. Me. 

I’m not entirely sure why me, I say that a lot though I’ve realized. When I get something good in life, why me? When something bad happens, why me? When someone chooses me, why me? It doesn’t matter what it is, I just can’t possibly imagine why me. But God constantly reminds me of my why, Him. 

So after wrestling with the idea that maybe my sweet friend was referring to me I realized something so flypin’ powerful, I’m worth it. Why me? Why not me? God chose me for a life filled with adventure, He gave me a heart that is so in love with Him and my life and He blessed me with so much, I owe it to Him to pour into myself, to work on me and to grow. 

So Hi, I’m Kenz & I’m enough in this crazy, wild, confusing world, and I want to share three things with you all that God taught me month four. One, feeling pain doesn’t mean I’m weak, it means that all my flaws and all the obstacles I face is preparing and growing me and it is all for a higher purpose, wow. Second, how being obedient is necessary in this whole relationship with God thing, that when Papa asks and you humbly answer His plan is far greater than ours even if we haven’t seen the outcome of the greatest purpose yet. And three, I am lovable. I am a woman of God that deserves to be loved by Him, deserves to be loved by others and that I want to be loved; and that all is okay. Rad. 

Uzbekistan has taught me a lot and I’m excited to reunite with my squad in Kyrgyzstan soon. I have a lot to be hopeful for, a lot to look forward to, and when God reminds me that my heart is just as important as other’s it reminds me that I am exactly where I need to be and the sacrifices I have made have brought me to this point and He’s so proud of me. 

I love you guys, and I can’t wait to share more of the good, the bad and everything in between. 

 

MacKenzie Nicole