I’m on fire

I was caught off guard when I recognized the scent escaping my freshly washed hair. When picking out outfits that still faintly remind me of the memories I collected in them, familiar waves of perfume danced off the sewn features. I lighter I left on my candle stack still was laying where I tossed it, my blankets still folded on my chair, my graduation stoles still hung behind my bed.

Physically, it’s like I never left if you looked at my space, if you smelled my scent, if you just looked at it based off such a singular concept. So much has changed, the America I returned to is not the America I said goodbye to, my favorite shows have new seasons, my dog can barely walk up the stairs, and my favorite restaurant closed, chaos. I mean, for the first time since August, I’m writing a blog on my laptop instead of my iPad. I have officially hit uncharted waters.

I find myself only eating meals that remind me of the race, it’s what I’m comfortable with. I’ve refused to go to any stores because I was over whelmed going to a gas station in New York, America has a lot of options. I walked into my room so overwhelmed at the masses of clothing I left behind, after wearing two outfits for eight months, I couldn’t stand to look at it so I threw it all into boxes to be donated because I don’t want to live like that again.

I don’t want to live with unnecessary abundance if it’s not an abundance of love or something from the Lord, I just want to live with what I need, a couple guilty pleasures, minimal.

I know I’m all over the place, but with the past eight months speaking for me,
I know you are all so used to it by now. If I started this blog right away when I got home, it would have been full of anger, heartbreak, confusion and numbness. I was a mess when I returned home, my heart was outside of my body walking around and all I could do was watch it from afar. Pretty sad visual, I’m aware, but when you get pulled away from your 30 member family you have been doing life with for the past however many days kind of over night your whole body goes into self-preservation mode..at least mine did.

The girl that came off the plane into Chicago is not the same girl that boarded it in August, I know that in my entire soul, and the growth will not and shouldn’t stop just because my route changed.

The Lord has been making Himself known in my stillness, daily. I have watched some of the most heart wrenching sermons, one literally talked about being in a hard season for the next three months and how to find the right response, I mean COME ON PEOPLE, GOD IS SO RAD. It was as if God guided my curser over that certain video whispering, “Here babe,you need this one today.” Obedience, oh how much He speaks when we are just obedient.

I want God to use me here, just as much as He used me in Mongolia, just as much as He used me in China, Kazakhstan, everywhere. America really needs some light right now, and being so in love with my country my heart truly bursts at the opportunity to provide just a glimpse of Kingdom is such a faith starving time. Not continuing over seas was truly devastating, I’m sure you are all so able to understand that, and I learned rather quickly it’s okay to say you’re not okay when someone asks, to sit in the pain and cry when you need to, because that’s healthy, it doesn’t make me weak.

The Lord is still showing me all the spots of me that weren’t lit up over seas and He’s giving me more opportunities to shine just a little more. Coming home wasn’t the worst part, it was missing America a lot, wanting to be excited, looking for the positive, but coming back during such an alarming time in history has been hard, it’s been really hard to adjust.

I haven’t seen my best friends, my brother or my dad yet because of the virus, Mason, my brother has Cystic Fibrosis which means he’s an at risk candidate for the virus so he left the morning I flew home. Not being able to see my family members has been really hard, but my mom has made me feel so much at home, eased so much stress and has rubbed my back already countless times when I get a wave a sadness.

Being off the World Race reminds me every day the kind of fire I want to have for Jesus in my every day routine, in my every day, normal life. I starve for Him a way I didn’t on the race, because everyday I was apart of a community that loves Him as much as I do, and now I have to willingly choose it, I have to find it, I have to want it.

This isn’t over for me, I’ll be applying to go back on to the field when the virus calms down, I’ll be working at my non-profit local missions summer camp again, and I will be screaming His name from the rooftops to  save my neighbors, to get those who are so close to my hands to finally see what real Kingdom looks like.

I’m sad, but I am so on fire for this next leg of my race. Some times I truly forget I’m back in America, I remember in the moments I long for my people or different cultures. I just want simple, I want calmness, I crave the still, something I use to run from. 

I love you all, and I’ll be writing more about my tranisition back to normal life.
PS: A whole case of La Croix down.

 

xo,
Kenz