Since Mongolia I have been in love with watching the moon. Finding it in the sky and being mesmerized with the idea that it was just painted on the other side of the world in perfect view of the eyes of my loved ones. It reminded me that no matter how far away I was, at one point in our days I gazed upon something similar as the ones I adore most in this world.
Every morning it was like I sent it to them with a love letter attached by string reminding them that I was still there, thinking and praying for them.
In China I chose to sleep on a part of the floor of our apartment enclosed by windows so I could watch the traffic of Beijing drive by moonlight. My bed in Kazakhstan was the part of the floor closest to the window so I could stay up from it’s white hues and think of those back home who held my heart. My bed in Uzbekistan cozied up to the window as it did in Kyrgyzstan as well. The African moon stole parts of me every night by it’s divine beauty placed perfectly in the pinks and blues of the setting sun from my barrack window.
Here in Romania I sleep in a bed pushed up against a glass door, over looking streets and roofs that hold the white hues I’ve grown to long for. The moon to me is a lifeline home. Thousands of miles away, but it’s still the same to all of us.
A fun fact about me? I rarely allow myself to want things, I get so excited so easily that I get so scared of being let down. So when I admit I want something I open up myself to the possibility of being let down or heartbroken. This tactic to keep my heart safe has resulted in losing people I love, or could have loved, it’s chipped away at parts of me that I can’t give anymore.
Like for instance, my tattoos. I refuse to get excited about a tattoo until I’m sitting in the chair with the stencil on my skin and the machine rattling. There’s just too many variables from booking an appointment to ink on skin for things to go wrong.
The parent vision trip was my one thing I allowed myself to get excited for. I allowed myself to imagine me sprinting to my dad in a parking lot and refusing to let go as he spun me around. I allowed myself to plan dinner dates and gift giving. I allowed myself to fall in love with the idea of showing my parents My World Race. I was asked to lead worship with my dear friend during PVT and I allowed myself to imagine my dream set list to sing over my parents…and in a second three days turned to three months, a let down.
I cried a lot today, it reminded me of some pretty rough heartache I experienced in Uzbekistan because like I said before I pushed someone away due to my tactic of shutting away my heart. I’d be fine for twenty minutes, laughing and drinking coffee and then in a blink of an eye I was sobbing into my hands. I’m devastated, truly heart broken by not being able to see my people. But God has done something so transformative.
Being hurt hasn’t shut me off from wanting things, from being excited over my heart’s desires. It has done the opposite, it has reminded me that my heart is strong enough to feel this pain but still love just as hard through it. Thinking about the positives instead of the heart wrenching realities, like the fact that the reunion in June at the airport will be something I’ll remember for the rest of my life and I’m not going to let the enemy take that joy from me; I refuse to allow him to win. I refuse to let the fear of my health and safety triumph over the reality that I’m okay, I’m healthy and I’m strong.
In this very moment, I’m listening to a really rad playlist, looking out my window at the moon while writing; a dream life. I’m looking out over the same hues of white my parents see every night back in Chicago. I’m reminded that even though they will not be in Romania in three days, every single night they look at the same magnificent moon as I do and I find comfort in knowing that in those moments we are so much closer than we feel.
I find comfort in God’s promise that He will always be the light in the darkness, He will always be the white hues that pierce through the midnight sky.
I’m excited once more.
xo
MacKenzie Nicole
this is so good. praying for y’all. such a strong and powerful squad y’all are
with tears streaming down my face, momma bear could not be more proud of who you have become! You lifted me up today, you encouraged me and left me feeling: I CAN DO THIS! I can wait three more months to see my cub! Because my cub, albeit SAD, she is not defeated and she is thriving in the arms of a loving God and community.
Love this, Kenz!!
So sad for you guys (and me) but believing God is using it all for good somehow.
We are all brokenhearted with you on this one, Kenz 🙁 But I am so proud of you girls and how strong you are in the Father. Praying as W squad continues to minister!
Sweet girl, I am so sad that your heart is broken but at the same time, I LOVE your positive attitude…I just read this quote this morning so, I am passing it along to you.
“Our situation may not change, but when we spend time in God’s Word, our perspective shifts.” I am so glad you are trusting God with this situation. I LOVE you and will miss you so much!